One-liners

[Bhuna50]

Did you know that the word incorrectly is spelt incorrectly in every English dictionary.

 

[ubuysa]

I won the lottery!!!




Well, I got the first two numbers and I have my lawyers trying to stop the count.

 

[AgentCooper]

A man in an interrogation room says 'I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present'

'You are the lawyer' says the policeman.

'Exactly, so where’s my present?'

 

[dogbot]

In (a lot) of years gone by, I would put my arm out of the car window and make signals according to whether I wanted to turn left, right, or wanted the car behind to overtake.

Now, I just raise my arm to indicate "Look how clean my hands are".

 

[AgentCooper]

Two Tunnocks Caramel bars are stood in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and asks ‘how long you been a wafer?’

 

[Martinr36]

Two Tunnocks Caramel bars are stood in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and asks ‘how long you been a wafer?’

groan.............

 

[Bhuna50]

I always keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge in case anyone asks for a black coffee.


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[ubuysa]

I always keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge in case anyone asks for a black coffee.


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I have a torch with no batteries for looking for things I don't want to find....

 

[Martinr36]

I have a torch with no batteries for looking for things I don't want to find....

Don't keep us in the dark

 

[ubuysa]

My wife asked me to go shopping today. "Get two pints of milk" she said, "and if they have avocados, get six". When I came home my wife asked why I'd bought six pints of milk. I explained that they had avocados.

 

[Martinr36]

Put an irishman in a room full of shovels & tell him to take his pick

 

[ubuysa]

STOP PRESS Donald Trump has been prevented from entering the White House! A notice on the door say 'Entry ForBiden"

 

[Bhuna50]

A soldier was walking across the supermarket car park today and found a distraught woman sobbing.

He asked her what was the problem and she explained that she's left her keys inside the car.

“Don't worry," he replied. "I can help."

The woman looked at him in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door. Magically, it opened.

"That's so clever," the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," he replied. "These are my khakis”


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[ubuysa]

A wise dad.....

 

[Bhuna50]

I just met my mate who works with computers. I said "lovely day for IT".


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[ubuysa]

I went to a railway enthusiasts 70's night at the weekend. Everyone was wearing platforms.

 

[Martinr36]

I went to a railway enthusiasts 70's night at the weekend. Everyone was wearing platforms.

I bet you were well chuffed

 

[AgentCooper]

I saw this advert in a window that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

 

[Scott]

I bet you were well chuffed

Doesn't remember, they were all steaming.

 

[Bhuna50]

I went to a railway enthusiasts 70's night at the weekend. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Did they play any good tracks?


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