One-liners

C

ColEyt

Gold Level Poster
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Martinr36

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
 
Martinr36

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
As the due date was getting close for the birth of their first baby the husband and wife were consulting with the Dr. As the Dr. began to explain about the options to manage the pain of childbirth the husband started to rant.He began exclaiming that women had birthed children from the beginning of time without drugs and such.So the Dr. suggested a fabulous new concept in drugs.A pill that would tranfer the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father.Being the egotistical he-man he was the husband agreed instantly.So on the day of labor the husband swallowed the pill and stood by his wifes side during the entire birth.The pill worked just as promised.The wife felt absolutely no pain.The husband true to form never showed even the slightest discomfort.Thrilled with the results the Dr. released them the same afternoon with the husband repeating his claims about too much hoopla being made about the pain of childbirth.In the car all the way home he continued his tirade about how there was too much being made of the pain of childbirth.When they arrived home they found the mailman on their door stoop dead.
 
ubuysa

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Bigfoot said:
I remember when a few years back MPs were banned from employing relatives. It was very hard for the Norfolk MPs to find new staff.
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That reminds me of a popular US joke from many years back.....

Why was Jesus Christ not born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin....
 
Insane.Pringle

Insane.Pringle

Enthusiast
Heres a couple:

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend


I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard


rouchie said:
That is so true, one minute I am telling the Mrs just one more game on Football manager before bed, next I know she is bringing me breakfast!!
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done that before too many times especially playing war strategy games like Supreme Commander, Total War etc against AI players since i have a tactic of turtling till my defenses are practically invulnerable.
 
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Insane.Pringle

Insane.Pringle

Enthusiast
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

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The last one liner applies to me far too much!! lol
 
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