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My girlfriend has accused me of being a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

My wife has been missing for over a week now . The Police said to prepare for the worst..... So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Or you could, you know, drive in?

Me and the wife have taken up woodworking. My mate said he didn't know we were carpenters. I said, "We've only just begun".

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.

I donated 6 pints of blood yesterday. Never doing that again, too many questions. Whose blood is this? Where did you get it?

I can't stop telling silly airport jokes. Doctor thinks it's terminal.

Quite possibly a 'Thick Tok' thing.

In the States, it’s called an elevator. In the UK, it’s a lift. I guess we’re just all raised differently.

Who was the designer of King Arthur's Round Table? Sir Cumference.

Why is camouflage written like that when it should be written like

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off. I think I’m being stalked.

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse…” I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.

A linguist dies. At the funeral, a fellow academic asks the wife, “Do you mind if I say a word?” She nods. He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits down. She says, tearfully, “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I got arrested yesterday for stealing a kitchen utensil from Ikea. It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence and gives them time to reflect.

A man walks into a tailor’s shop in Athens and hands the tailor a pair of torn trousers. The tailor asks, “Euripides?” The man answers: “Eumenides?”

I've had my car upgraded to run on herbs. Now it's capable of thyme travel.