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‘‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse…” I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.

A linguist dies. At the funeral, a fellow academic asks the wife, “Do you mind if I say a word?” She nods. He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits down. She says, tearfully, “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I got arrested yesterday for stealing a kitchen utensil from Ikea. It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence and gives them time to reflect.

A man walks into a tailor’s shop in Athens and hands the tailor a pair of torn trousers. The tailor asks, “Euripides?” The man answers: “Eumenides?”

I've had my car upgraded to run on herbs. Now it's capable of thyme travel.

Me: What do you know about atoms? Friend : Very Little. Me: Besides that.

I'm still with BT for my sins, but getting fed up with being robbed silly for 38Mbps, VM is an option but how reliable are they? What's CS like? I don't need silly speeds but I really do need to stop the incessant drain on finance that BT represents.

Sorry.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night. Some bloke made a meringue and everybody cheered. I thought, that's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.

Last King of The Cross. Excellent 👌

I ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it is raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Saw a poignant documentary about a man faking telekinesis yesterday. Moving stuff, really touching.

Eve was the first person to ignore Apple terms and conditions.

What do you call two crows on a branch. Attempted murder.

My car wouldn't start this morning. I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. He said: "Good day to you Sir! And might I remark how splendid you look today?" I knew the problem straight away. Bat flattery

Would have been a tad funnier if he'd been wearing a SCUBA suit. But nevermind 😕

A Roman walks into a bar, holding up 2 fingers, he says 5 pints please to the bar man.

The chairs will last longer.