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There's a dog hanging around outside a Job Centre. One of the staff goes over and pets it, saying "What are you doing here then?" "Well, actually, I need a job," said the dog in cultured tones. "Wow - a talking dog. I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?" "Can...

I'm currently spending far too much time leveling up in Hell Let Loose. It's, kinda getting addictive.

Sounds qwerty good to me.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

"Oi! Mary, trim my nails for me please"

Meh, chicks dig scars.

Pretty crap tattoo, ask for your money back.

My girlfriend has accused me of being a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

My wife has been missing for over a week now . The Police said to prepare for the worst..... So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Or you could, you know, drive in?

Me and the wife have taken up woodworking. My mate said he didn't know we were carpenters. I said, "We've only just begun".

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.

I donated 6 pints of blood yesterday. Never doing that again, too many questions. Whose blood is this? Where did you get it?

I can't stop telling silly airport jokes. Doctor thinks it's terminal.

Quite possibly a 'Thick Tok' thing.

In the States, it’s called an elevator. In the UK, it’s a lift. I guess we’re just all raised differently.

Who was the designer of King Arthur's Round Table? Sir Cumference.

Why is camouflage written like that when it should be written like

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off. I think I’m being stalked.