One-liners

[TonyCarter]

I was a contractor once but I made sure I had a pension. Now I'm retired I'm very glad that I did....

I've got a pension in place (plus the state pension), just never had a company pay into one for me (well, nothing significant as I've been agency/self-employed/contractor for 35 years (with the odd gap when the market's have collapse or a company has gone bust).

 

[Martinr36]

Gin (or vodka) as I can hide it in anything!

I detest the smell of gin

 

[Martinr36]

View attachment 43041

So true

 

[TonyCarter]

I detest the smell of gin

Mix it with some whisky and you'll detest both

...or pretend it's vodka with the added taste of christmas (i.e. mistletoe and holly).

 

[TonyCarter]

View attachment 43041

Santa's a bit of a git really.

Factory full of slave labour that doesn't get a day off (they're probably sub-contracted to the easter bunny as well). He's a fat alcoholic, who drives recklessly around the world, and breaks into houses with impunity.

In fact I think it might be Jimmy Savile in disguise:

• Gives lots of presents to kids
• Has kids sit on his knee
• Drives a flashy motor
• Miraculously appears in their houses or at their bedsides

 

[ubuysa]

This is going to come as something of a shock to many of you, so please be sure you're sitting down and not holding anything made of glass.

Santa isn't real. I know, that came as a bit of a surprise. Whilst were at it the Tooth Fairy isn't real either. Or the Loch Ness monster - I'm not 100% certain about that one though. Stop crying at the back there!

TBH we'd all be better off if, instead of giving yet more presents to children who already have too many, we should perhaps instead be giving to those who have nothing. We always buy a couple of places at Crisis at Christmas instead of buying presents. I think Santa would approve. If he were real.

 

[TonyCarter]

This is going to come as something of a shock to many of you, so please be sure you're sitting down and not holding anything made of glass.

Santa isn't real. I know, that came as a bit of a surprise. Whilst were at it the Tooth Fairy isn't real either. Or the Loch Ness monster - I'm not 100% certain about that one though. Stop crying at the back there!

Wow, next thing you'll be telling me RGB doesn't speed up your computer - utter tosh!!!

TBH we'd all be better off if, instead of giving yet more presents to children who already have too many, we should perhaps instead be giving to those who have nothing. We always buy a couple of places at Crisis at Christmas instead of buying presents. I think Santa would approve. If he were real.

We do that at my current employer, and they double-up whatever we contribute.

 

[SpyderTracks]

Wow, next thing you'll be telling me RGB doesn't speed up your computer - utter tosh!!!

 

[Martinr36]

Santa's a bit of a git really.

Factory full of slave labour that doesn't get a day off (they're probably sub-contracted to the easter bunny as well). He's a fat alcoholic, who drives recklessly around the world, and breaks into houses with impunity.

In fact I think it might be Jimmy Savile in disguise:

• Gives lots of presents to kids
• Has kids sit on his knee
• Drives a flashy motor
• Miraculously appears in their houses or at their bedsides

Strange, I commented to a friend earlier if their are any anti reindeer devices available, maybe a SSAM (SANTA, SURFACE to AIR, MISSILE)

 

[davhun]

Strange, I commented to a friend earlier if their are any anti reindeer devices available, maybe a SSAM (SANTA, SURFACE to AIR, MISSILE)

I said to the wife "Have you seen any reindeer?"
"No" she said "and the weather forecast says there won't be any for the rest of the week".

 

[ubuysa]

RGB doesn't speed up my computer. I don't have any!

 

[ubuysa]

Does the panel think that Santa will get a state pension? I mean, he only works for one day each year, and nobody sees him working either? It sounds like benefit fraud to me....

 

[TonyCarter]

Does the panel think that Santa will get a state pension? I mean, he only works for one day each year, and nobody sees him working either? It sounds like benefit fraud to me....

Does the North Pole government have a state pension scheme?

 

[Martinr36]

Does the panel think that Santa will get a state pension? I mean, he only works for one day each year, and nobody sees him working either? It sounds like benefit fraud to me....

You'd have thought someone would have caught him and locked him up by now, I mean his MO doesn't change, he breaks in through people's chimneys every year

 

[SpyderTracks]

You'd have thought someone would have caught him and locked him up by now, I mean his MO doesn't change, he breaks in through people's chimneys every year

He's a proper barley swigger too, the guys got serious issues. I'm sure it was his parenting. So we need to take this back pre-coke days to Father Nicolaus and Mother Nicolaus back in the old days in Holland then? Maybe they ended up snorting too much coal? Is that what gave them the idea for Coca-cola?

See, it's all coming clear now!

 

[HomerJ]

He's a proper barley swigger too, the guys got serious issues. I'm sure it was his parenting. So we need to take this back pre-coke days to Father Nicolaus and Mother Nicolaus back in the old days in Holland then? Maybe they ended up snorting too much coal? Is that what gave them the idea for Coca-cola?

See, it's all coming clear now!

yes but again @SpyderTracks it still doesn't work with the joke 😁🤣

 

[HomerJ]

 

[ubuysa]

Santa is a persistent drink driver too. You add up all those glasses of brandy that people leave out.

 

[TonyCarter]

I know they look all cute and cuddly. But, they are actually unpredictable, sometimes aggressive creatures that cannot be trained, and will scratch, bite and spit on you.

The other is a Koala, I don't know much about those.

 

[HomerJ]

That post you won't know but the irony of that to homer 👍👍👍