One-liners

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you added me on facebook?..........
 

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Do crabs think that people walk sideways?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A recent finding by statisticians has revealed that the average person has one breast and one testicle.
It's hard to explain puns to kelptomaniacs, they always take things literally.
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris would you be in Seine?
 

davhun

Enthusiast
Do crabs think that people walk sideways?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A recent finding by statisticians has revealed that the average person has one breast and one testicle.
It's hard to explain puns to kelptomaniacs, they always take things literally.
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris would you be in Seine?
Do people here have time for .... um, work?
 

davhun

Enthusiast
I've been retired for the last 18 years. What's work?
I can't remember, I retired 20 years ago. The schools I went to have gone and the places I worked have also gone or changed unrecognisedly. I like to visit places and remember them as they used to be and I think that is how most older people see things. For my 15 year old grandaughter, now is how she will remember it. Can't help imagining. what it will be like for her in 60 years time.
 

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
I can't remember, I retired 20 years ago. The schools I went to have gone and the places I worked have also gone or changed unrecognisedly. I like to visit places and remember them as they used to be and I think that is how most older people see things. For my 15 year old grandaughter, now is how she will remember it. Can't help imagining. what it will be like for her in 60 years time.
It's not how I see things, I think it's a mistake to look back in sadness or anger. You can't live in the past. You get old when you stand still and look back. All things must change, even us. And as Scarlett O'Hara famously says at the end of my wife's favourite film; "after all, tomorrow is another day..."
 

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Age is just a number, I took early retirement a couple of years back (march 2020), did something at tesco for a while starting about this time lat year, and now back in retirement for a while
 

Tron1982

VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
1699715120064.jpeg
 

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
Some years ago I had a woman come preaching on the doorstep about Armageddon (She picked the wrong person), when she finished she asked me what I thought, so I turned round and said it wont matter what I think as I'll no longer be here, she didn't know what to say to that :ROFLMAO:
 
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