One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
what can I say 
qz.com
"One day in 1995, a large, heavy middle-aged man robbed two Pittsburgh banks in broad daylight. He didn’t wear a mask or any sort of disguise. And he smiled at surveillance cameras before walking out of each bank. Later that night, police arrested a surprised McArthur Wheeler. When they showed him the surveillance tapes, Wheeler stared in disbelief. “But I wore the juice,” he mumbled. Apparently, Wheeler thought that rubbing lemon juice on his skin would render him invisible to videotape cameras. After all, lemon juice is used as invisible ink so, as long as he didn’t come near a heat source, he should have been completely invisible."
Why a bank robber thought covering himself in lemon juice would help him get away with it
"But I wore the juice," he mumbled.
qz.com
"One day in 1995, a large, heavy middle-aged man robbed two Pittsburgh banks in broad daylight. He didn’t wear a mask or any sort of disguise. And he smiled at surveillance cameras before walking out of each bank. Later that night, police arrested a surprised McArthur Wheeler. When they showed him the surveillance tapes, Wheeler stared in disbelief. “But I wore the juice,” he mumbled. Apparently, Wheeler thought that rubbing lemon juice on his skin would render him invisible to videotape cameras. After all, lemon juice is used as invisible ink so, as long as he didn’t come near a heat source, he should have been completely invisible."
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
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Deleted member 41971
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AccidentalDenz
Lord of Steam
Everyone's happy. Win-win situation!
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
This is my actual favourite "joke" that I tend to tell. Not sure if I've wrote it on here before but here goes:
Q - You're on a plane with 500 bricks and one falls out. How many are left?
Q - What's big, white and can't climb trees?
Q - How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Q - Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Q - Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?
Q - Why did the 3rd monkey fall out the tree?
Q - Why did the squirrel fall out the tree?
Q - How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Q - What's big, white & blue and can't climb trees?
Q - If the lion, king of the jungle, had a party. Who definitely wouldn't go?
Q - How did the frail old granny get across a crocodile infested river when there wasn't a bridge?
Q - Regardless of her success, she died when she got to the other side. Why?
Q - You're on a plane with 500 bricks and one falls out. How many are left?
A - 499
Q - What's big, white and can't climb trees?
A - A Fridge
Q - How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A - Open the door, put him in, close the door.
Q - Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
A - Someone threw a fridge at him.
Q - Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?
A - He was stapled to the first one.
Q - Why did the 3rd monkey fall out the tree?
A - Peer Pressure
Q - Why did the squirrel fall out the tree?
A - It thought it was a monkey.
Q - How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
A - Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
Q - What's big, white & blue and can't climb trees?
A - A fridge in a denim jacket
Q - If the lion, king of the jungle, had a party. Who definitely wouldn't go?
A - The Giraffe that's stuck in the fridge
Q - How did the frail old granny get across a crocodile infested river when there wasn't a bridge?
A - She swam, the crocodiles were all at the party
Q - Regardless of her success, she died when she got to the other side. Why?
A - She got hit by a falling brick
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
Absolute genius
AccidentalDenz
Lord of Steam
I knew some of the punchlines there, but the whole thing as a connected thread was just genius!
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
Check out this Amazon review of KIRUNDO Women’s 2019 Summer Hot Short Sleeve V-Neck High Waist Floral Print Mini Boho Sun Dress with Button Red X-Large
Recommended by World's Worst Mom
www.amazon.com
AccidentalDenz
Lord of Steam
Dad has a very dry, often sarcastic sense of humour. Mum has a warped and often dark sense of humour. I've inherited both sides from my parents. I have heard similar comments as this from my parents about myself or my siblings from time to time. I have also made similar comments to my parents about my siblings.
10/10 would buy again!
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
did you need to redeem both parents on steam?
AccidentalDenz
Lord of Steam
Nope. I refunded them before the 2 hour stage!
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
i can just imagine that as well,
"I'm sorry mom and dad, you just don't meet the hardware requirements, no achievements added, no controller support and VR is lacklustre at best,"
dani72
Silver Level Poster
A blind man walks into a lesbian bar. He sits at the counter and asks the barwoman if she would like to hear a blond joke. The barwoman says "I'm blond, the person sitting next to you is blond & the bouncer is blond, are you sure you want to tell this joke?" The blind man says "you're right, I'll only have to explain it twice".
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