One-liners

[Deleted member 41971]

bob monkhouse jokes

"My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'."

"Yesterday they held the Most Honest Politician Of The Year contest...and nobody won".

 

[rouchie]

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

 

[rouchie]

So my wife recently told me sex was better on holiday, that was a difficult postcard to receive

 

[Deleted member 41971]

robin Williams jokes

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Jack Nicholson was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said ‘even oysters have enemies.’ In a very intense voice. I responded with ‘Increase your dosage.'

 

[SpyderTracks]

robin Williams jokes

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Jack Nicholson was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said ‘even oysters have enemies.’ In a very intense voice. I responded with ‘Increase your dosage.'

RIP, the man will always be a legend.

 

[AgentCooper]

One from the late, great Les Dawson:

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’

I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

 

[Deleted member 41971]

 

[rouchie]

Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara

 

[Deleted member 41971]

"My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

"I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

 

[SpyderTracks]

"My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

"I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

OMG, laugh out loud moment there!

 

[NoddyPirate]

My teacher says I’m an average math student. I think that’s a mean thing to say.

 

[NoddyPirate]

I bought a book today called ‘Binary 101’. I didn’t understand it cos I didn’t read the first four in the series.

 

[AgentCooper]

What do you get if you cross a shark with a giraffe?

A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.

 

[Deleted member 41971]

What do you get if you cross a shark with a giraffe?

A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.

 

[rouchie]

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

 

[NoddyPirate]

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

Poor old Tommy Cooper! 🥲

 

[AgentCooper]

ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, did you?

BATMAN: Of course not!

ROBIN: 😐

BATMAN: Alright... well... yes, there's the Bat-soap.

ROBIN: 😐

BATMAN: Okay, and the Bat-shampoo.

ROBIN: 😐

BATMAN: But there's also Conditioner Gordon.

ROBIN: 😑

 

[Tron1982]

 

[NoddyPirate]

On a similar vein - my favourite one growing up was on a fridge magnet we had for decades:

BE ALERT! YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS LERTS!

 

[rouchie]

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.