Hey. Thanks for responding. Yes, I should have mentioned (and this is my fault) that I was dual-booting. The Windows 10 installation is fully functional, touchpad included. I'll update the main post to reflect this information.
I've tried everything I can think of on my own, and have gone through half a dozen Linux Distributions, including Ubuntu, Mint, Debian etc. For all of them, everything worked except the touchpad. No response at all. I've gone so far as to have a response from the manufacturer who told me it...